Thankful

Friends

Beautiful Colorado Landscapes

A Time capsule of sorts

I came home from church and visiting with people tonight feeling nostalgic. Thinking that I could find a few friends I have missed on Myspace. 

Side note: Do you remember when Myspace was the shit.  What happened to that?

I digress.  Said friends were not on Myspace anymore, but I found a little Gem, something that I forgot was even there.  A blog I published on Myspace.  I used to write alot and totally forgot and even a little when I first got to Denver.  The posts span from 2003 to about 2006, and its a complete trip to see myself in those posts.  Things that I remember, things that I don't.  There are some posts that I remember being so upset that I wanted to write and couldn't.  I wish I would have.  Makes me want to journal more and learn from that girl.  What I have wanted to change and have.  What I have wanted to change and haven't.  What I wanted for my life and priorities have changed.  Friends have changed, family dynamic is different, location and job status is completely different.  Goals and attitudes, are not so much different.  I am not sure how I feel about that.


Take a peek if you like

http://www.myspace.com/airad_the_pooh/blog

Goals... my January 18th resolution

I hate New Years resolutions.  I think they are dumb.. or at least I did.

My view is that you can change your life everyday.  We wake up and it is a new day, you can change anything you want.  But do we..

That is how it is with me.  I have things I have wanted to do for years.  Yet do I do them... nope.  Lack of motivation? I am not sure what holds me back. I don't hold myself accountable.  I sit here and think, ya you didn't do x,y or z and you suck but I dont do much about it.  So maybe resolutions aren't so dumb after all.  Maybe there is just some accountablity that needs to be had.

Goal #1 Fit into size 12 jeans--number that I wear right now, not to be discussed, lets just say its a few sizes bigger.

Goal #2 Own a Townhome

Goal # 3 Blossom new friendships and feed into the true friendships I have

Love conquers fear?

I was watching the Bachelor tonight. Guilty pleasure, but I love that show.  One of the dates featured Ben, the current bachelor taking a girl on a date which involved climbing the railing of the Golden Gate bridge.  Hmm.

The girl he had on the date, was insanely fearful of heights.  Yet she went for it.

It got me thinking, would I do the same thing? Or faced with my fear would shut down like her.

I am not a thrill seeker.  I don't have a desire to rock climb, sky dive or really even do something like skiing.  Its not fun to me. I have fears just like the woman in the episode, and I think they are things that I need to face, but put in the context of a relationship, I am not sure if I would do that for someone. 

Last spring, a friend of mine tried to get me to ride the mechanical bull.  I was slightly fearful but more really didn't seem like fun.

How do you get your excitement?

Don't rain on my parade

In our journey of life, we meet many people.  People we mesh with, people we don't.  Sometimes people are in our life for a short time.  If we are lucky we have life long friends.  I have always struggled in relationships. People often ask about my family, while not terrible and there are worse stories, its not the Walton's for sure.  That relationship has set a path for some not so good social habits in my own life. 

I believe that God brings people into our lives for specific purposes.  I have seen this in my own life recently and it is overwelming.  I have met some people who made me feel great, they fill me up in ways and make me smile.  I have met some also recently who have made me feel like the stinky girl from high school.  And what I have come to find out?  I need both types. 

I think as people, and especially women we can be extremely catty, unwelcoming, gossipy and be closed off from others.  I have done it myself. 

Everday I walk in to life trying to see it as a new day.  I try to put a smile on my face.  I try to appear approachable and I try to be welcoming.  When I meet individuals who are unwelcoming or catty towards me, it literally devestates me.  I take it so hard that it ruins my day.  I also know that I am not the easiest person to approach or talk to.  In groups, I become extremely nervous.  I have a hard time making eye contact and if someone shows interest in me, I can be embarassed.  Those who aren't the people I want to be around are just in a different place than I.  And I am in a different place than others.  They also show me what I don't want to do. 

I am here to say that there are awesome people in this life.   People who don't give up me.  People who are there for the right reasons.  People who show me how to be a daughter of God and friend that people want to be with.  Please don't give up on me. 

this is the way you made me

If you have ever been in a psychology class, corporate america or any trust workshop you have probably had to take the Myers Briggs test.  Sensing or Intution, Thinking or Judgement, Extovert or introvert.... That is the one I always struggle with.  Everytime I have taken that test, I am neither.  And I think that is why I struggle.  I enjoy talking to people, but I am too shy to.  I am not good in groups, no matter how much I try.   I want so badly to have friends, but I don't know how to make them.  I was sitting in Young Adults dinner tonight, and again realized how painful it is for me in a group.  Backup, it is painful coming into church.   It is a big group.  I get so overwhelmed.  I clam up and watch from a distance.  And really, it doesn't bother me to watch from distance in a group.  I don't mind taking converstation with saying little.  I am in my comfort zone then.  It's how I am perceived by others.  I want people to see the awesome parts of me and I am afraid they don't.  I feel like the outsider and I don't want to.  While I may hide it, this is something I think about alot.  Why can't I just be an outgoing person I wish I could be.  I am not.. nor do I think I ever will be.  God you made me this way.  You have a purpose for me.  While I don't see it.. while things never seem to go the way I want them to, I have to have FAITH that you will bring me to a beautiful place. 

Thank you for blessing me with new friends... and chances in community that I don't deserve, and the will to keep trying even when it's hard and draining. 

I am someone worth dying for...

Its funny, after the conversation I had tonight that this is the song that was playing in my car tonight when I left.... fits perfect

Mikeschair - Someone Worth Dying For
You might be the wife,
Waiting up at night
You might be the man,
Struggling to provide
Feeling like it's hopeless

Maybe you're the son,
Who chose a broken road
Maybe you're the girl,
Thinking you'll end up alone
Praying God can you hear me?
Oh God are you listening?

(Chorus)
Am I more than flesh and bone?
Am I really something beautiful?
Yeah, I wanna believe, I wanna believe that
I'm not just some wandering soul
That you don't see and you don't know
Yeah I wanna believe, Jesus help me believe that I
Am someone worth dying for

I know you've heard the truth that God has set you free
But you think you're the one that grace could never reach
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
So you just keep asking, what everybody's asking

Chorus

You're worth it, you can't earn it
Yeah the Cross has proven
That you're sacred and blameless
Your life has purpose

You are more than flesh and bone
Can't you see you're something beautiful
Yeah you gotta believe, you gotta believe
He wants you to see, He wants you to see
That you're not just some wandering soul
That can't be seen and can't be known
Yeah you gotta believe, you gotta believe that you
Are someone worth dying for

You're someone worth dying for
You're someone worth dying for