Don't rain on my parade

In our journey of life, we meet many people.  People we mesh with, people we don't.  Sometimes people are in our life for a short time.  If we are lucky we have life long friends.  I have always struggled in relationships. People often ask about my family, while not terrible and there are worse stories, its not the Walton's for sure.  That relationship has set a path for some not so good social habits in my own life. 

I believe that God brings people into our lives for specific purposes.  I have seen this in my own life recently and it is overwelming.  I have met some people who made me feel great, they fill me up in ways and make me smile.  I have met some also recently who have made me feel like the stinky girl from high school.  And what I have come to find out?  I need both types. 

I think as people, and especially women we can be extremely catty, unwelcoming, gossipy and be closed off from others.  I have done it myself. 

Everday I walk in to life trying to see it as a new day.  I try to put a smile on my face.  I try to appear approachable and I try to be welcoming.  When I meet individuals who are unwelcoming or catty towards me, it literally devestates me.  I take it so hard that it ruins my day.  I also know that I am not the easiest person to approach or talk to.  In groups, I become extremely nervous.  I have a hard time making eye contact and if someone shows interest in me, I can be embarassed.  Those who aren't the people I want to be around are just in a different place than I.  And I am in a different place than others.  They also show me what I don't want to do. 

I am here to say that there are awesome people in this life.   People who don't give up me.  People who are there for the right reasons.  People who show me how to be a daughter of God and friend that people want to be with.  Please don't give up on me. 

this is the way you made me

If you have ever been in a psychology class, corporate america or any trust workshop you have probably had to take the Myers Briggs test.  Sensing or Intution, Thinking or Judgement, Extovert or introvert.... That is the one I always struggle with.  Everytime I have taken that test, I am neither.  And I think that is why I struggle.  I enjoy talking to people, but I am too shy to.  I am not good in groups, no matter how much I try.   I want so badly to have friends, but I don't know how to make them.  I was sitting in Young Adults dinner tonight, and again realized how painful it is for me in a group.  Backup, it is painful coming into church.   It is a big group.  I get so overwhelmed.  I clam up and watch from a distance.  And really, it doesn't bother me to watch from distance in a group.  I don't mind taking converstation with saying little.  I am in my comfort zone then.  It's how I am perceived by others.  I want people to see the awesome parts of me and I am afraid they don't.  I feel like the outsider and I don't want to.  While I may hide it, this is something I think about alot.  Why can't I just be an outgoing person I wish I could be.  I am not.. nor do I think I ever will be.  God you made me this way.  You have a purpose for me.  While I don't see it.. while things never seem to go the way I want them to, I have to have FAITH that you will bring me to a beautiful place. 

Thank you for blessing me with new friends... and chances in community that I don't deserve, and the will to keep trying even when it's hard and draining. 

I am someone worth dying for...

Its funny, after the conversation I had tonight that this is the song that was playing in my car tonight when I left.... fits perfect

Mikeschair - Someone Worth Dying For
You might be the wife,
Waiting up at night
You might be the man,
Struggling to provide
Feeling like it's hopeless

Maybe you're the son,
Who chose a broken road
Maybe you're the girl,
Thinking you'll end up alone
Praying God can you hear me?
Oh God are you listening?

(Chorus)
Am I more than flesh and bone?
Am I really something beautiful?
Yeah, I wanna believe, I wanna believe that
I'm not just some wandering soul
That you don't see and you don't know
Yeah I wanna believe, Jesus help me believe that I
Am someone worth dying for

I know you've heard the truth that God has set you free
But you think you're the one that grace could never reach
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
So you just keep asking, what everybody's asking

Chorus

You're worth it, you can't earn it
Yeah the Cross has proven
That you're sacred and blameless
Your life has purpose

You are more than flesh and bone
Can't you see you're something beautiful
Yeah you gotta believe, you gotta believe
He wants you to see, He wants you to see
That you're not just some wandering soul
That can't be seen and can't be known
Yeah you gotta believe, you gotta believe that you
Are someone worth dying for

You're someone worth dying for
You're someone worth dying for

letting people in

There are things I do very well.  I can be very funny, smart and intuitative.  Socialization is not something I excel at.  As one friend told me once I am socially awkward.  This is something I sort of embrace and I sorta despise.  I try not to let it label me. While I could blame my mother or father for not showing me how to socialize, how to make friends and how not be the square peg in a round hole, what good does it do to place blame.  That was not an example my sister nor I were given, yet we have managed.  I rarely talk about happened growing up except to those who are already aware, maybe thats the issue.  Not sure.  Its easier to push it down, but some how in some ways it keeps vomiting backup.

I am also sadly transparent.  People know when I am angry, sad, depressed, along with Happy, excited or whatever emotion comes along.  While I rarely have to tell someone how I feel it is incredibly volerable to wear your emotions on your sleeve.  That is what happened tonight.

I am not exactly sure what to even say happened tonight.  Because it involved alot of things I don't do well.  I don't know how to formally talk to God, I don't know what things to say not to be awkard, I don't even really know how to read a bible or look for things within it.  I never needed to.  I don't know how to ask people about themselves.  I feel like I am nice person to be around but friendships never last as I don't recipcate as well as I should.o It doesn't mean I don't care or don't want to.  I honestly don't know how.  Excuses maybe...

I get wrapped up in whatever I am doing, whether that be school, friends, relationships and work that when things don't go right, I get angry and its hard to leave that place.

I feel like I had the chances in life I should have.  I don't know if I will get more.

I feel like people don't try to get to know the real me either.  They don't see past the bigger girl, who is quiet but awkard.   I take some warming up to.  I am closing in on 30 and what do I have to show for it.  Don't give up on me.

My problems on the surface are very minor.  Its the underlying that is the issue.  Until I address those nothing will change.

What I have been waiting 3 years to find... why did I wait?

While Religion is a touchy subject for some.  I try to discuss mine openly.   I like to think that when I moved here I reinvented myself.  The girl I grew up being no one here knows and I can be me.  I can try different versions and different hats, keeping the personas that are comfortable and I enjoy.    I can try new things, date and meet new friends with little worry about whether I will have to see this person again, or will that person be who I have to interview with for my next job.  While I love living in Colorado.  Still something felt missing.  I didn't know how to place it. 

Last Sunday I decided to step outside my box a little and find a church.   I can't actually say this journey started last Sunday.   This is something I have not taken lightly and I feel as though I have been looking for the last 2 years or so.  I would drive by places, search on the internet, and ask for suggestions from Christian friends.  I never stepped in to the House of the Lord.  I never took the leap.  I was scared.  I can meet new people from Meetup groups and social networking.  I talk clients all day long and it does not intimate me.  This frightened me.  I think it was because I desperately wanted to merge in.. to be the anonymous face in the crowd.  My Catholic upbringing taught me that outsiders were not welcome and that there was an order to becoming part of their church.  As I grew older I wanted something different and I have come to consider myself a Christian.

I learned of this place sometime ago on Facebook of all places.  At the time I thought it was an odd concept and didn't want to try.  I searched other churches and even made the commitment to myself several times to try one.  Never could get myself to go.  Something inside of me stopped me. 

Again several weeks ago this Church came into my searches.  Contemporary music and forward thinking similar to the service I used to attend in Fargo.  It’s at 6 pm at night, and very near to my house.  Things seemed to be aligning.  But still I couldn't go.  Fear overwhelmed me. 

I listened to some sermons online, and thought I really resonate with what they are saying.  Two weeks ago I made the commitment to go on Sunday night.  6pm came and went and I was still here. 

The next week came and it was just a draining week for me.  I was finding little purpose in my life except to go to work, eat dinner and fill the cat dish.  How was I going to turn it around? 

I'm going to go to church I thought.  This is what I need, if nothing else I have stepped beyond my anxiety and my box.  I am trying something new.

I drove over shortly before 6pm last Sunday night.  The butterflies were in my stomach.  Was I going to blend in? Would they call me out in front? Would it be a cult or something I didn't like?  I said a quick prayer and got out of my car.  Even then I felt like retreating, with anxiety whelming in my stomach and chest.  

As I walk to the church I could tell I was definitely not going to blend in.  Not because the people were strange but just so incredibly welcoming.  I was met at the door by:  Hi, I'm Jon, we haven't seen you here.  What’s your name? Where you from? How did you find us? Were some of the questions I was being asked.  I never felt so welcome in my life.  I must have had a similar conversation with 20 people that night.  One girl really took me under her wing and made sure I met everyone.  The service was awesome with great music and the sermon was more of a talk, and I really connected with things.  They read passages from the bible that I heard in CCD and Sunday morning Mass just in one hour took a whole new meaning.  So many things just really clicked.  What I feared the most of not blending in was exactly what I needed was to not stand out but be a part of a group as well. 

After the young adults go to dinner.  I got get to know more people and they were really awesome.  The perfect balance of being able to worship, love and get to know God and community.

God definitely had his hand in this one.    It seems strange in all the years I went to Wednesday night CCD, Sunday morning mass, that this one service seemed so life changing and I can't wait to go to Church again Sunday night.

Really

There are many adventures to be had in Colorado.  Skiing, Mountain Biking, and Extreme sports are all thrills that many of my Fellow Coloradoians Enjoy.  I choose dating.  Thrilling, not usually I keep throwing myself back out there, meeting the specimens of Denver, I wonder what heck am I doing?

Last night I had a meeting with what I thought to be a promising prospect.  Tall, dark and reasonably handsome, I thought I was meeting Mr. Right.  What my drug of poison these days, "okcupid.com" didn't show me is that this guy looked nothing like his profile,  had no personality and definately no manners.