this is the way you made me

If you have ever been in a psychology class, corporate america or any trust workshop you have probably had to take the Myers Briggs test.  Sensing or Intution, Thinking or Judgement, Extovert or introvert.... That is the one I always struggle with.  Everytime I have taken that test, I am neither.  And I think that is why I struggle.  I enjoy talking to people, but I am too shy to.  I am not good in groups, no matter how much I try.   I want so badly to have friends, but I don't know how to make them.  I was sitting in Young Adults dinner tonight, and again realized how painful it is for me in a group.  Backup, it is painful coming into church.   It is a big group.  I get so overwhelmed.  I clam up and watch from a distance.  And really, it doesn't bother me to watch from distance in a group.  I don't mind taking converstation with saying little.  I am in my comfort zone then.  It's how I am perceived by others.  I want people to see the awesome parts of me and I am afraid they don't.  I feel like the outsider and I don't want to.  While I may hide it, this is something I think about alot.  Why can't I just be an outgoing person I wish I could be.  I am not.. nor do I think I ever will be.  God you made me this way.  You have a purpose for me.  While I don't see it.. while things never seem to go the way I want them to, I have to have FAITH that you will bring me to a beautiful place. 

Thank you for blessing me with new friends... and chances in community that I don't deserve, and the will to keep trying even when it's hard and draining. 

I am someone worth dying for...

Its funny, after the conversation I had tonight that this is the song that was playing in my car tonight when I left.... fits perfect

Mikeschair - Someone Worth Dying For
You might be the wife,
Waiting up at night
You might be the man,
Struggling to provide
Feeling like it's hopeless

Maybe you're the son,
Who chose a broken road
Maybe you're the girl,
Thinking you'll end up alone
Praying God can you hear me?
Oh God are you listening?

(Chorus)
Am I more than flesh and bone?
Am I really something beautiful?
Yeah, I wanna believe, I wanna believe that
I'm not just some wandering soul
That you don't see and you don't know
Yeah I wanna believe, Jesus help me believe that I
Am someone worth dying for

I know you've heard the truth that God has set you free
But you think you're the one that grace could never reach
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
So you just keep asking, what everybody's asking

Chorus

You're worth it, you can't earn it
Yeah the Cross has proven
That you're sacred and blameless
Your life has purpose

You are more than flesh and bone
Can't you see you're something beautiful
Yeah you gotta believe, you gotta believe
He wants you to see, He wants you to see
That you're not just some wandering soul
That can't be seen and can't be known
Yeah you gotta believe, you gotta believe that you
Are someone worth dying for

You're someone worth dying for
You're someone worth dying for

letting people in

There are things I do very well.  I can be very funny, smart and intuitative.  Socialization is not something I excel at.  As one friend told me once I am socially awkward.  This is something I sort of embrace and I sorta despise.  I try not to let it label me. While I could blame my mother or father for not showing me how to socialize, how to make friends and how not be the square peg in a round hole, what good does it do to place blame.  That was not an example my sister nor I were given, yet we have managed.  I rarely talk about happened growing up except to those who are already aware, maybe thats the issue.  Not sure.  Its easier to push it down, but some how in some ways it keeps vomiting backup.

I am also sadly transparent.  People know when I am angry, sad, depressed, along with Happy, excited or whatever emotion comes along.  While I rarely have to tell someone how I feel it is incredibly volerable to wear your emotions on your sleeve.  That is what happened tonight.

I am not exactly sure what to even say happened tonight.  Because it involved alot of things I don't do well.  I don't know how to formally talk to God, I don't know what things to say not to be awkard, I don't even really know how to read a bible or look for things within it.  I never needed to.  I don't know how to ask people about themselves.  I feel like I am nice person to be around but friendships never last as I don't recipcate as well as I should.o It doesn't mean I don't care or don't want to.  I honestly don't know how.  Excuses maybe...

I get wrapped up in whatever I am doing, whether that be school, friends, relationships and work that when things don't go right, I get angry and its hard to leave that place.

I feel like I had the chances in life I should have.  I don't know if I will get more.

I feel like people don't try to get to know the real me either.  They don't see past the bigger girl, who is quiet but awkard.   I take some warming up to.  I am closing in on 30 and what do I have to show for it.  Don't give up on me.

My problems on the surface are very minor.  Its the underlying that is the issue.  Until I address those nothing will change.