letting people in

There are things I do very well.  I can be very funny, smart and intuitative.  Socialization is not something I excel at.  As one friend told me once I am socially awkward.  This is something I sort of embrace and I sorta despise.  I try not to let it label me. While I could blame my mother or father for not showing me how to socialize, how to make friends and how not be the square peg in a round hole, what good does it do to place blame.  That was not an example my sister nor I were given, yet we have managed.  I rarely talk about happened growing up except to those who are already aware, maybe thats the issue.  Not sure.  Its easier to push it down, but some how in some ways it keeps vomiting backup.

I am also sadly transparent.  People know when I am angry, sad, depressed, along with Happy, excited or whatever emotion comes along.  While I rarely have to tell someone how I feel it is incredibly volerable to wear your emotions on your sleeve.  That is what happened tonight.

I am not exactly sure what to even say happened tonight.  Because it involved alot of things I don't do well.  I don't know how to formally talk to God, I don't know what things to say not to be awkard, I don't even really know how to read a bible or look for things within it.  I never needed to.  I don't know how to ask people about themselves.  I feel like I am nice person to be around but friendships never last as I don't recipcate as well as I should.o It doesn't mean I don't care or don't want to.  I honestly don't know how.  Excuses maybe...

I get wrapped up in whatever I am doing, whether that be school, friends, relationships and work that when things don't go right, I get angry and its hard to leave that place.

I feel like I had the chances in life I should have.  I don't know if I will get more.

I feel like people don't try to get to know the real me either.  They don't see past the bigger girl, who is quiet but awkard.   I take some warming up to.  I am closing in on 30 and what do I have to show for it.  Don't give up on me.

My problems on the surface are very minor.  Its the underlying that is the issue.  Until I address those nothing will change.